The healing process, like most things, takes time. It’s so annoying. One of the first questions I asked C when we started our work together almost four years ago now was how long is this going to take? She laughed a little and then said I don’t know. Its different for everyone but you’re going to be okay.
IM GOING TO BE OKAY. That really stuck with me. I love my connection with C. It’s the one relationship where I feel the safest. It’s also where I feel everything so my brain wants to think it’s not safe.
Sometimes my brain will tell me “you’ve got to get away from C. You have to go figure things out on your own. You really need a break.”
And is it possible that I need a break – yes.
Is it also possible my brain is lying to me – hell yes.
So I do nothing.
One hour. That’s all I get with her a week and it just doesn’t seem fair. It’s not fair that I bare my soul to her and then she moves on to the next ready to care for them too.I hate that she cares for other people the way that she cares for me.
I’ve given myself permission to check in daily to see if I really need a break or if that’s my protective part coming out…
Day 3 and I still think I might actually need a break.
Day 4 and now I’m beginning to see things a little more clearly. I’m scared so everything in me wants to hide. Lock the doors and stay hidden. Isolation is not what I need. Safety and connection through people IS what I need.
But all this stuff… it’s fucking hard and it doesn’t just get better overnight. I don’t just heal in one day. It’s a long road. It’s the most painful road.
I’ve been checking in with myself and in my most previous conversation I finally got somewhere:
NO WHAT DO YOU NEED!
I DONT FUCKING KNOW!!!!
MAGGIE WHAT DO YOU NEED
HOW MANY GODDAMN TIMES CAN I TELL YOU THAT I DONT KNOW
No you do know! You do know what you need! THINK. WHAT DO YOU NEED.
I DONT KNOW!!! I CANT SEE PAST THE FUCKING FOG IN MY MIND.
YOU CAN DO THIS THIS. BREATHE. THINK.
I need to feel better. I need it to go away. I just need.. I NEED REST! Oh my god… she needs rest.
It’s not me – it’s her.. SHE NEEDS REST!!
HER soul is crushed. HER soul is weary. HER voice is still silent.
I’m talking about my younger, wounded parts. The parts that were hurt in the worst way and are desperate for a safe place. Desperate for a mom. Desperate for C.
But I.. I AM SO ANGRY. And I’m angry at myself. Angry for how weak I seem to be. Angry at how I puff myself up with words but my actions dont match. Angry that I fail every. single. day.
I was weak then and I’m still weak now.
But wait a second. I am stronger now. And the little voice that’s talking now isn’t loud but I have gotten stronger. Even in the smallest victories – I’m still growing and changing.
I want to be with C so badly because I want to be with someone who makes me feel safe. And that’s why I yearn for her throughout the week because even when I (Maggie) am with her during the week I dont really let her (little Maggie) be with C.
I never really get to be in that room. She (protector) won’t let me and it isn’t fair.
I’m right here. So close to the surface but, for whatever reason, I can never come out. Literally it feels like I could burst to the front but there’s a thick wall that I can’t break through.
She needs C because she doesn’t trust me. She doesn’t trust me because I dont even trust me. She also doesn’t trust me because I let the protective part speak over her. I don’t value her. I dont care about her most of the time. That has to change. She has to have space where she can openly speak.
I’ve found a safe place in C. I found a surrogate mom. Little Maggie is over the moon about this. Little Maggie holds on to every word she says. She said this to little Maggie:
You’re safe here.
I won’t push.
I don’t care if we take 1000 small steps.. I’ll be here the whole time.
She’s (little Maggie) not ready and that’s okay. I’m honored that she showed herself to me even just a little bit.
I know you’ve been mad at him (abuser) for so long.
I want to remind you that you can’t heal what you don’t share.
You don’t have to do this alone.
I’m right here.
I’ve got you.
C is so very kind and loving toward all of me. I miss being free. I miss when my mind was really my own.
It’s in chains. Weighed down.
I need to give myself some grace, though, because I have come such a long way from where I was.
I have goals for myself now. I want more for myself and that is growth. A year ago I couldn’t have said that. I want to learn to reach out to people when I’m not doing okay. Even in the past week, I’ve wanted to just tell someone Hey I’m hurting and I need support. But I didn’t. I didn’t reach out to anyone and I’m ashamed of that. Really ashamed. Because that should be easy. Because that’s where healing could take place but I choose not to do it. It’s a choice and I keep choosing the wrong thing. I hate myself for that.
But it’s not all bad. Even though I chose not to reach out – I chose to write. I chose to read. I chose not to self harm. Those are all good things. I know I can start to choose to do things that seem impossible now.
The good thing is – I’m conscious of this now. I know that I want to start reaching out to people and I actually want to. Without that desire, I can’t start to do it. I have to want to do it.
And with that.. I think I’ll go rest.
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